FAcing your Past
I’ve always wondered if it’s normal for a victim to go back to the scene of the crime. Is it healthy? Will they get closure? Does it make it any more real?
Will it bring a different sort of healing? Or does it just help bring to life the nightmares and anxieties they’ve been struggling to contain for years? The ones they thought they’d moved on from. Did you rip off the band-aid expecting to see a faded scar or are you still gushing blood with a whispered “I’m fine” on your lips?
Does someone who was raped go back to where it happened, so they can see if they can taste an ounce of closure that they’ve been craving? Have you ever walked down the path by the tree, you know the one... where they broke your heart as they walked away? Did you ever go back to where that car accident occurred, where the drunk driver stole time off your life so you can fit the pieces together of what happened? Would it be worth it to go back to the house where he first put his hands on you, the place where your life was so dark, the sunshine couldn’t get through?
I went back. I wanted to see if it would help. I wanted to see if I could move past it. I faced my fears. Reality hit me scathingly - that as much as I feel I’ve healed, I’m still bleeding. Gushing blood? Thankfully not anymore - I stand a bit taller now, but to think that I used to be afraid of my own shadow.
No. Now it’s like a slow trickle that hasn’t quite gone away yet. A trail that leaks it’s way into every aspect of life unknowingly. So narrow that it goes unnoticed more times than not - until I take a step inward and feel the havoc it’s wreaked in its wake.
But I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to let it hurt, let it fester, and then just let it be. Don’t try to hide it. Don’t pick at it. Embrace it. Sit there with it. And then get back up again. Only when you’re ready though.
I was told once that when you’re stuck in the dark, no light anywhere to be seen - don’t forget to take notes.
Because someday it won’t be quite so dark anymore and you’ll be able to go back and sit with someone in their darkness. And maybe you can light a match for them this go around.