September 20, 2016


hanging by a thread

I told you it was time to lie down for a nap, and for some unbeknownst reason (you were way overtired and didn't want to stop playing), it was now the end of the world.

And the end of the world to a two year old is - very very much the most dramatic moment you will ever experience.

You kicked, you screamed, you pushed out of my arms and had one of the biggest meltdowns in my journey as a mother thus far. You wanted nothing to do with me holding you but when I would put you down you'd let go an even bigger banshee scream.

It was a rough hour, I was at the end of my rope and hanging on by a thread to this virtue of patience that seemed nonexistent at the moment.

I had tears streaming down my face in desperation as I desperately asked God for strength. You were still sobbing and when I sat down in our chair and began to rock. And there were still tears and hiccupped labored breaths when I wrapped my arms around you tight despite you fighting it and began to sing. And slowly but surely you calmed down and the fight began to leave your body. After a few minutes of swaying, it had seemed you had fallen asleep and I could finally stop holding my breath. And then all of a sudden you popped your head up and said "Mama, I love you" and at that moment my heart burst wide open. I could have yelled, I could have left you down there screaming. I wanted to be far away in that moment of defeat.

But by God's strength and Grace, I took in a deep breath of His peace, I gave you that last ounce of patience I didn't know I had in me. Because you're only two, you don't know how to show that you're hurt, or scared, or upset without a meltdown. And I am twenty two and I still have my fair share days full of emotions I don't know how to handle.

That was the first time you ever told me you loved me without me saying it first for you to repeat back. It hit me out of know where I'm teaching you what love is. I'm actually doing it. Amid every wrong I've done and mistake I've made, I had a moment of triumph that I'm doing something right.

Such a jolt of pure joy surged through my tired and weary heart. I'm teaching him love.

You are learning new things every day and sometimes they are overwhelming and you need to borrow some of my patience. I'm not saying I'll always be patient or I'm the perfect mama by any means. But today was a very important reminder that this little crazy boy, the one who is incredibly independent, smart and never sits still... He might need a firm hand to teach him and guide him every now and then, but more often than not - he needs a whole lot of loving and a soft touch to bring him through it.